I've missed him ever since and I constantly wonder how different things might've been.
Mom, me and Dad (circa
Dad and I
Friday, October 2, 2009
33 years ago today...
My father took his own life. He was 29. I was 10.
I've missed him ever since and I constantly wonder how different things might've been.
Mom, me and Dad (circa1978 1968)
Dad and I
I've missed him ever since and I constantly wonder how different things might've been.
Mom, me and Dad (circa
Dad and I
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Nothin' good about that decision, Bronze....selfish from the word; "Go". I hope life has found fulfillment for you in his absence.
ReplyDeleteI agree in part, Lt. D
ReplyDeleteI think that any time a person takes their own life, they're being very selfish. I used to be very mad at him for doing that, but as I've gotten older, I kind of understand that he had many reasons to feel that he had no other choice. It doesn't make that decision right or correct, but I understand that he thought that (at the time) that was only alternative. At that very moment, the only thing he was thinking about taking away his pain.
It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I hope he found the peace he was looking for.
ReplyDeleteHopefully...
ReplyDeleteBronze:
ReplyDeleteThis is gonna have a grip of TMI about myself, and stuff that can be used against me in comments for eveh, but...
I've been a long time sufferer of episodic depression. Since childhood. I got it from two sources.
Family - We've got the ol' Scots/Irish "melancholy" thing. And a brain injury from my early days. The injury caused a loss of approx 10% brain mass on the left side and was enough to force a partial shift in handedness, as well as cause rather constant and continual "mood swings".
Now, I don't know your father's situation, or what drove him to his suicide. But, there is a process in depression, be it from organic causes or situational, where the idea of being dead takes on a real pleasurable aspect. It's, pardon my going lowbrow, but I can't think of any other way to describe it, like being on the edge of an orgasm.
And, as in sex, the higher function parts of the brain tend to shut down during such times.
So, I doubt there was much, if any, actual thinking going on when your father gave in.
When in a depression, the brain changes and what it produces as thought changes too. Pain and discomfort can feel appropriate and necessary. Self punishment and self destructive behavior becomes accepted as proper.
I've brushed up against suicide a few times, but luckily for me (and usually, unluckily for those around me) I tend to become belligerent and hostile, instead of the usual self destructive. I spend a large part of every year being a very unfun person to be around.
The "**ck you!" attitude I get when sinking into the deeper parts of depression extend to myself as well as others. Beat the idea of dying to death, kinda deal. Rip it's throat out and eat its heart, sort of mindset.
That's not because I'm tough or badass or whatever. It's just how I learned to deal with it as a kid, and also the self punishment aspect. No giving in because doing so would feel good. In all honesty, doing the deed really feels like the good, proper, just and rightful thing to do at such times.
A grodier example is in personal hygene during such times. It goes to hell in a handbasket. Anything that feels good or appropriate during normal function times feels just wrong and, well, evil. So, teeth go unbrushed until gums swell. Body goes unwashed until skin rashes. And, I'll stand in front of the shower, water running, stripped down, knowing I need to get in that water and soap up, but it just feels wrong to do so.
This makes me prone to sudden rages at worst, and really short temper at best.
Also, as the depression starts to set in, I'll respond to the physical weakness and general tiredness by ramping up and maintaining a slow burn hate and general purpose rage. Wonderful source of energy when the usual suspects in my biology are screwing the pooch. But very hard to keep under control. You can't keep anger and rage at a peek without going over the edge on a fair regular basis.
So, basically, what I'm trying to say is, I doubt your father had the long term defense mechanisms in place to stave off the weirdness that comes with the brain taking a downward spiral, and, if he had had those mechanisms in place, he could well have become a monster in the actual, non metaphorical sense of the word.
Now that I've outed myself, I'm sure the pattern of my comments here and elsewhere makes more sense. :/
Wow, thanks for telling me that G.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm not exactly what to make of it. But know that I hope you're doing okay.
I'm fine. This aint about me, this is about you missing your dad and the ghosts of blame past.
ReplyDeleteWhat it all meant to say was...
Your father's actions weren't what could be considered selfish. Irrational, yeah. But when your anchor to reality starts to come loose, it's far easier to get lost in the chaos storm of broken thinking than most folk realize.
A person's entire frame of reference, relation to cause and effect, etc and so on, changes when in a depressive or despondant phase. It doesn't really matter if it's organic or situational behind the phase, it tends to work, basically, the same.
His age also rings a bell. My own brain fubar crap really started kicking in hard right around the mid 20s.
Also, as harsh as it may sound, not having lost him may not have worked out so keen either. If he was falling into depression due to organic brain issues, life could have gotten very ugly for all concerned.
Im not saying that last part at all well, and it's coming out sideways, sorry. I just dont have the language skills to put it out proper.
No, I understand what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteNow that you've mentioned that, I heard a rumor (not too long after he died) that he may have had a brain tumor. I think that I heard that from my grammy, who was an RN.
I think there may be quite a but of efficacy to what you say, G. Thanks for clearing it up.
Another thing you may want to keep in mind when thinking about your dad is...
ReplyDeleteThe conditions in which mental health issues were treated back then are very very different than today.
And, with your dad being born and growing up when he did, most of his concepts of mental health care would come from that even more brutal period when Practical Eugenics ruled. When it comes to how sufferers of mental health issues, such as depression or anything, really, the Nazis didn't have anything over or under on us in that time.
The best that could be hoped for, at least as far as most laymen knew, was a lobotomy and castration, followed by a few years warehoused in a hell hole.